I have spent the last three years coaching people around their beliefs that are either keeping them single or making them unhappy with their current relationship.
This is a list of 20 common ones.
Some of these really only apply to those that are single. Some apply to both, and some apply to those partnered up. I have indicated that next to the belief.
Nearly all of these have a root in unhealed or unintegrated trauma, especially from childhood.
You’re an empowered person so I don’t have to tell you that when you take responsibility for and actively try to heal yourself, you’ll see your life and your relationships improve dramatically.
And the quality of your relationships is the quality of your life.
1.) That all the ‘good ones’ are taken (single)
This belief is the result of all/nothing black/white thinking that occurs when you get really frustrated when it hasn’t happened yet.
It is a protection thought that serves to contract your energy and your heart and thereby lower your expectations or make you give up on dating.
Learn to see this thought for what it is.
And you do this by reminding yourself that it’s simply not possible with 7.9 BILLION people on this planet.
What’s really going on is a combination of you not meeting enough people and the unintegrated trauma that you need to heal.
2.) That there is only ONE person out there in the world for you and if you pass them up, you will be alone forever. (single)
This is one that I had back in the day and it didn’t come from trauma but was instead a belief that was adopted from my Christian upbringing.
It is a thought that does not serve you in any way. In fact, all it did was make me hold onto relationships that were not aligned with me, for way longer than I should have because I was so afraid of missing my ONE chance.
Again, there are 7.9 BILLION people in the world. That means there are potentially MILLIONS of ‘right ones’ for you. Thinking that any one person is your last chance at love and happiness is truly doing yourself a disservice.
This kind of thinking can and will cause you to attach yourself to the wrong person. It will cause you to give someone who doesn’t deserve it far too many chances.
All that does is waste your time.
Relationships don’t have to be painful.
You do not have to bend over backwards, abandon yourself and your needs, or for God’s sake, wait for someone to be ready.
Believe that there is someone out there who is ready to meet you at your level, and they are ready NOW (see #3)
3.) That you are willing to wait for the ‘right one’ to be ready (single)
No, no, no no, NO! The right one will be ready NOW.
You do not have to, nor should you wait for them to heal.
You do not have to, nor should you wait for them to fully see you.
You do not have to, nor should you wait for them to stop being scared of love.
You do not have to, nor should you wait for them to finally open up to you.
There is no guarantee that the one who is not ready now will become ready anytime soon, or even AT ALL.
You cannot win them over with your love. It doesn’t work like that (trust me, I’ve tried).
If you find yourself thinking that you can be patient and just show them love and they will finally come around, please know that this is indicative of some underlying unintegrated trauma that you have.
How do I know? Because that was me. I swore up and down that I was ready for love and deep intimacy. Unconsciously I was not.
Until I was ready to face this, I kept meeting men who also were not ready and I just thought I had ‘bad luck’. I thought I had to just be patient and he would finally see me.
See this thought for what it is…that YOU probably aren’t truly ready to have what you want in the present moment and you are willing to put it off. That the thought or idea of this relationship is enough for you ‘for now’. So you wait.
If you are truly ready now, you won’t want to waste any more time waiting.
4.) That you can change someone with your love (this is a version of #3 above) (single/partnered)
S: Also a big one I had.
I thought if I just offered enough love that the guy would come around eventually. That he would see me as special, heal himself and realize he can’t live without me.
Yea never happened. Not once.
The fear or thought hiding underneath this one goes something like this ‘Why can’t he just love me? ‘Can’t he see how great I am/this is?’
It comes from receiving conditional love from the parent whose love you craved most.
If your parents withdrew love or used it as a weapon, you likely have some trauma from this or at least some unexplored beliefs around it.
This thought will do nothing but waste your time trying to heal someone else and thereby staying in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere or has long passed its expiration date.
P: If you are partnered, it’s similar to what I mentioned for the singles.
Yes, do offer your love. No question.
But you need to do more than just sit around and hope your partner will suddenly want to change because s/he sees how great you are.
Likely s/he already knows how great you are. That’s why you’re still together.
But you are not happy. That needs to be addressed.
And there are many ways to do that. Seeking counseling together is one.
Working on your own unhealed trauma is another. Sometimes when one person shifts it can be enough of a catalyst for the other partner to want to follow.
And if your partner chooses not to, then you’ll have to do some soul searching to see if it’s possible that you’ve outgrown this relationship.
5.) Vulnerability is weakness (single/partnered)
I see this one all the time and it usually comes from not truly understanding what vulnerability really is.
We tend to see it as exposing our tender underbelly and divulging our deepest, darkest secrets/fears/beliefs/dreams that someone else can either reject us for or use against us.
That is the deepest kind of vulnerability and it should be reserved for those that have earned it only. (And beware the people who lead with this at the beginning of a relationship. Likely they are trying to get you to give them a pass for bad behavior. See this article on fake vulnerability for more information.)
While yes, there is always a chance that an other could minimize you, reject you, or manipulate you based on what you share…but it’s more likely that it will serve to deepen and strengthen the relationship instead.
If your partner cannot be comfortable with you showing vulnerability/’flaws’, and s/he pushes you away for it, know that they are NOT reacting to you. They are reacting to their own vulnerability fears.
In fact, your relationship will stagnate as soon as one of you hits the upper limit of their vulnerability comfort zone.
This is where we have to become really conscious of our behavior and do the work necessary to keep expanding that vulnerability comfort zone.
If you want a great, evolutionary relationship, keep doing your work to grow your tolerance for vulnerability. It raises your emotional intelligence and you will become attractive to others who have done their work as well.
6.) Be your authentic self (single/partnered)
This is basically a continuation of #5.
Now, there is a different flavor of vulnerability that I think should always be led with. And that is being your authentic self.
Hiding your true self behind some made up persona is a common protection mechanism.
It’s done in order to avoid rejection.
Being your authentic self is always the best way to go, you don’t have to ‘manage’ the relationship or the other’s feelings.
Likely you felt you had to ‘be’ some other way in order to get or maintain love in the past and this left you feeling like your true self is unlovable.
If you have been told you are ‘too much’ or feel ‘not enough’ in some way, then being authentic will be hard for you to do as you are always fearing rejection or backlash.
Again this comes from unhealed trauma. Someone along the way rejected you or criticized you enough that you got the idea that you can’t be yourself.
This becomes a problem in relationships when your partner doesn’t really know who you are.
They get this watered down, fake, people pleasing version of you. And you can’t say what you really feel because you are trying too hard to be liked or not rock the boat.
This mechanism worked for you back in the day. But now, the inauthenticity isn’t allowing your partner to see the real you; which keeps the level of intimacy very shallow.
Intimacy does not live in a relationship like this and it therefore never really lasts.
And when intimacy is low, this can serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy because it will feel to you like you can’t be fully loved.
In order to shift this one, you’ll need to become really aware of why you can’t let others see the real you and fully examine this.
To break the spell if you are finding your relationships stay on the shallow end, you’ll have to let your mates see the real you.
Practice doing that with people you feel safe with. And do it until it feels good and natural.
Then realize that other peoples’ behavior means nothing about you. (see #7)
7.) Believing that someone else’s behavior toward you or the relationship means you did something wrong (single/partnered)
S: Listen, for every 1 person that doesn’t like some thing about you, there will be 5 more that DO!
You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.
It’s disappointing when things are seemingly going well then out of nowhere your partner starts to put some distance or you get ghosted.
It can be downright impossible not to blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong.
But what I want to offer is, you will NEVER know the answer to this. You can never know what is going on internally for someone else.
Every single person on the planet has unhealed wounds.
It’s quite likely that something about the relationship came up and started poking at a wound and that person withdrew to go lick it.
You are not responsible for that. You did not cause the wound. You can’t tiptoe around hoping to keep from accidentally poking someone’s wounds.
Instead, take this as a bullet dodged. Again, you want someone who has done a lot of healing already and is READY NOW for what you have to offer.
You must be willing to believe that there is someone out there right now who’s ready for YOU and everything you are.
P: If your partner doesn’t treat you the the way you want to be treated or cannot offer you the level of support/vulnerability that you need, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you that is causing this behavior.
Every single person on the planet has unhealed wounds.
It’s quite likely that something about the relationship came up and started poking at a wound and your partner is taking it out on you. S/he is simply responding to a trigger.
You are not responsible for that. You did not cause the wound. You can’t tiptoe around hoping to keep from accidentally poking someone’s wounds.
If this keeps happening, marriage counseling can be a great avenue to explore so that you can both learn how to work with this trigger.
And you can stop feeling like there is something wrong with you. Because there isn’t.
8.) Stop rushing to get comfortable (single)
Why you letting him/her call all the shots?
You’re the one sitting there with the anxiety over whether or not s/he likes you. Obsessing over every piece of communication trying to read something into it that may or may not be there.
Are you really sure you like THEM? Do you seriously know him/her well enough yet to make that decision?
I know you are in a hurry to partner up and get comfortable so you can skip all the discomfort of the get-to-know-you phase, but you’ll be doing yourself and the relationship a disservice if you rush this step.
Shifting your thinking around this is necessary.
You aren’t just sitting around waiting for him to make some kind of decision about you.
You have just as much power here as s/he does.
This is the time in the relationship where s/he is telling you exactly who s/he is. Once you have made up your mind about him/her, you stop listening to that. You’ll only pay attention to the things that match what you believe about him/her.
This is where red flags get missed.
Learn to slow your roll and stay curious. Let the mystery unfold naturally. It will save you a lot of heartache down the road.
9.) Date with intention (single)
Dating should be approached with as much intentionality as you would put into buying a new car.
You wouldn’t just show up on a dealer lot and accept the first car you were given keys to test drive, would you?
No, you wouldn’t!
Cars cost a lot of money. You don’t spend money like this every day. So you are going to research the Hell out of it and make sure you get the best car you can for your money, because you’re likely to have it for quite a while.
A car, like a relationship, is a commitment.
But I see time and time again that most people don’t put the same kind of care and intention into dating before they give their precious heart away.
What I mean by ‘intention’ is knowing exactly what you want and why, being very clear on your own values, and being willing to move on as soon as you know your date doesn’t meet your criteria.
In other words, test drive a LOT. Have more than one iron in the fire. Get to know as many people as you possibly can.
Date like it’s your JOB instead of just settling for whatever comes your way.
10.) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket (single/partnered)
S: This one goes hand in hand with #9.
I know, so many of you don’t feel right seeing more than one person at a time.
But it’s so important to do.
When you only have one focus, most of us tend to obsess. That’s when your anxious attachment starts showing.
When you are getting to know multiple people at a time, you won’t have time to obsess about any one of them.
Plus it has a way of drawing out the red flags quickly.
You’ll get to see which ones become possessive and manipulative right away. (And no, that is not an endearing thing, that’s a fucking red flag that indicates a high level of insecurity and need for control.)
You’re playing the long game here. You want to take your time and get to know a lot of different people.
It’s not a race to couple up (see #8). This is your future we’re talking about here. It’s highly worth it to slow down and take your time.
P: If you are partnered, this means that you must have your own interests.
It’s great to have shared interests with your partner.
But if you have nothing going on outside of that relationship, it can put an awful lot of pressure on your partner to be everything you need.
Not to mention, what the Hell are you going to talk about if neither of you have any other interests or activities outside of your relationship?
It can get pretty boring and may even turn codependent if one or both of you really resists getting outside of your comfort zone.
Healthy relationships need breathing space.
You need to have a life outside of your relationship.
It’s what helps you grow. Plus everyone needs a support network, instead of relying on just one person (who may or may not give you the support you need).
11.) You do not need to change anything about your appearance in order to start dating (single)
The ideal partner for you is out there. Right now.
No matter how much you weigh. No matter what you look like.
Nothing about your appearance needs to change.
Dating is energetic.
It’s a myth that looks are what attracts us to another person.
I’ve been attracted to people who would not be considered all that attractive.
Just as I’ve been repelled by others who might be considered ‘gorgeous’ by most.
What’s actually doing the attracting are the old energetic patterns we are used to.
It’s why you keep being attracted to the same ‘types’.
Now, I know confidence IS related to how we feel about ourselves. And you will catch more eyes if you feel confident.
So I’m not saying don’t try to get healthier and feel better about yourself. DO!
Just don’t hold off on dating because of it.
Get out there and practice meeting people so you are ready when you finally do meet that right one.
12.) It’s not normal to date so many emotionally unavailable people, you don’t just have ‘bad luck’ (single)
While it’s true the walking wounded are EVERY. DAMN. WHERE, that shouldn’t be the only type you keep finding.
If you find that every relationship of yours repeats a very similar pattern, then we need to talk.
You don’t have ‘bad dating luck’ and you don’t have bad ‘karma’.
What you actually have…is your own unhealed/unintegrated trauma.
Whenever there is a pattern, something that clearly repeats, you can be sure there is a lesson there for you. One that you have yet to see.
Until you heal it and integrate it, you WILL repeat it.
There’s no other way around it, unless you just stop dating. Which is what some people choose to do in order to make it stop, but that’s not a long term solution.
Sometimes healing can happen on its own. But it’s usually very, very slow.
The belief that you will need to shift here is that the problem lies with everyone else.
I used to think this too. And I repeated the same dating cycle for 20 years because of it.
As soon as I took ownership of the problem and addressed my own healing, BAM, met my husband months later.
13.) You have just as much power as he does (partnered)
Relationships need to have a balance of power.
If you are giving away your share of the power, you are going to suffer.
Your input matters just as much as your partner’s.
You are just as deserving of what you want.
Your needs are just as important.
The ‘we’ that you create together can only be strongest when both are putting in 100%.
If that isn’t the case for you right now, you’ll need to do some inner work around what limiting beliefs you have that are keeping you from being a 100% equal partner.
You’ll likely have to seek outside help to reestablish that balance, especially if your partner has become too used to steamrolling you and calling all the shots. S/he likely won’t want to give up that power easily.
14.) It’s not you and he…it’s WE (partnered)
This is related to #13.
Resonance is a law of physics that describes how separate vibrational beings’ energy must interact when they come into contact in the material universe.
When two vibrating systems of matter (humans) come into contact with one another and their vibrations are similar, they will each adjust their vibrations until they mutually reach a common vibration that creates a third, more powerful vibration called a resonant field.
In other words, 1 + 1 =3, not 2.
Take that in for a second.
When you and your partner feel the same way, have the same goals, are contributing without being asked, are open and supporting each other with love, then that resonant field you create, that WE, is stronger than anything you can attain on your own or if each of you were operating as two individuals.
Therefore, if your relationship seems to be one dimensional or falls flat, it could be because the two of you are operating in the relationship as two individuals with your own agendas, rather than operating as one, powerful, cohesive unit.
Deeper levels of intimacy are reached when you both can stop being individuals under the same roof and start acting as ONE.
15.) Your needs are important (single/partnered)
Your needs are important. Just as important as your partner’s.
When your needs go unmet in the relationship, it causes resentment and you will feel highly unfulfilled.
If you are the independent type who doesn’t like to ask for help or support, it could be causing a rift in your relationship.
If your partner truly loves you, then s/he’ll WANT to support you. It’s how most people show love.
But s/he isn’t a mind reader and it’s not fair to expect them to be. It’s your job to tell them what you need.
Which means you’re going to have to get over your discomfort with asking for help and support.
Doing it all on your own doesn’t mean you are strong or impressive.
It means instead that you have some old wounds you still have to deal with.
Going it alone, especially when you are partnered up is a sign old trauma is hanging around.
And old energetic patterns from past trauma is a major reason why your relationship isn’t where you want it to be.
16.) You must be able to receive (single/partnered)
This goes hand in hand with #15.
Not only do you need to be able to ask your partner to meet your needs, but you have to be able to receive what s/he gives you.
For some of us, this is a large part of why we don’t ask in the first place.
Because receiving can be uncomfortable.
All the same reasons apply – past trauma or predominant energy patterns from childhood.
Not being able to receive love, help or support from a partner interferes with the level of intimacy that can be attained in a relationship.
The higher the level of intimacy attained, the more fulfilling the relationship will be.
17.) Boundaries (single/partnered)
Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries.
Just because you partnered up with someone doesn’t mean they can do/say anything they want to you or that you have to do everything asked of you.
Relationships are always better and balanced when the boundaries are established early on.
You need to tell your partner how to treat you.
You cannot expect others to automatically take your feelings, needs, preferences into consideration when they are around you or are making asks of you.
Let’s be honest, most people just simply don’t have that level of awareness.
When you have few boundaries or really squishy ones, you are telling your partner they can do whatever they like and you’ll deal with it.
Then when they exhibit selfish behavior or don’t seem to respect you, you get upset at them.
It can be really confusing for them and miserable for you.
So the shift here that you’ll need to make is to see boundaries as a way to strengthen your relationship.
Boundaries are a way to restore the balance of power (see #13).
If you are a people pleaser, this may be a really difficult thing for you.
There may be some unhealed stuff from your past that is limiting you here and you’ll likely want to seek out someone that can help you to really see the pattern and heal it.
18.) That you know all there is to know about your partner (partnered)
There is no way you can know everything about your partner.
There is going to be stuff that they don’t share with you, just as there are things that you don’t share.
As soon as you think you know all there is to know about someone, you stop really seeing them.
What happens when you stop really seeing someone is you miss the subtle things.
You miss the new stuff (humans are constantly evolving).
You might stop asking questions. You might stop connecting with him/her. You may take him/her for granted.
Bring back that curiosity that you had at the beginning of the relationship and take the time to REALLY listen and see.
This is how you invite more intimacy into your relationship.
19.) That your partner will ‘never’ change. (partnered)
S/he may, s/he may not. But one thing’s for sure, if you do the work on yourself and start to change it CAN serve as a catalyst for change in the relationship.
Especially if you seem to be a lot happier after having made changes to your own life.
Especially if you start to really see and hear your partner again.
You never know what might happen.
Of course it could go the opposite way too. Your change could be resented by your partner and cause him/her to withdraw even more.
It’s a gamble. But one thing’s for sure, status quo isn’t making you happy.
If your partner refuses to work with you, there isn’t anything you can do to force change and you’ll have a choice to make. The relationship may have served its purpose.
In that case, it’s no longer serving either of you to hang on and you’ll need to decide what is most aligned for who you are becoming.
20.) That your partner is responsible for your happiness (single/partnered)
I see versions of this in my coaching clients.
They want to be partnered up so bad so that they can feel loved and have someone to give love to.
But they aren’t loving themselves.
In other words, they are relying on something outside of themselves for validation, love and acceptance.
Whenever you give that power away to something outside of your control, you’ll find that happiness eludes you.
You’ll find yourself with a lot of anxiety and insecurity while in the relationship or worse, you abandon yourself and become a doormat.
The key to happiness is having a relationship with yourself where you give yourself love, validation and acceptance.
When you operate from that space, you’ll find that you are able to be more yourself, relax and enjoy your relationships.
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I hope that this was helpful to you in giving you a place to start looking in order to shift your current relationship energetics.
You may feel called out or even defensive about some of what I mentioned. This is normal and it’s a sign you have some unintegrated trauma that is keeping you from the kind of relationship that you desire.
Your next step is to decide what you want to do about it.
I’m a big believer that it is possible to heal yourself.
But I’m also a big believer that healing all alone is the long way.
I’ve done it. It takes much longer to do the work on your own.
It’s so much faster and easier to have the support of someone that can really help you see your patterns and energetically hold the space for you to heal and transform.
This is the work I most love to do.
If you are ready to get support around shifting those old limiting beliefs that are keeping you from having the kind of romantic relationship that you want, I invite you get on my calendar so I can give you some next steps on that journey. It’s FREE and it’s only a sales call if you want to know more about how I can help. Book your free call below.
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