Ah, boundaries.
How to set and enforce healthy boundaries is something that I think most humans have struggled with at some time or other in their life.
What I’m going to cover today is the likely reasons behind why you struggle with this and give you some tips on doing the work to shift into greater empowerment around your boundaries.
What is a boundary?
✅It is a way to tell others how to treat (respect) you.
✅ It is a way to protect your own resources (time/energy/money).
✅ It is a way to assert yourself in the world, to give yourself a voice and choice.
✅ Boundaries are key to establishing intimacy with a partner.
✅ Boundaries are key to power dynamics in a relationship.
Which might explain why some people have a hard time setting and enforcing them.
What does it mean when someone ‘has a hard time’ with boundaries?
If someone says they have a hard time with boundaries, what they are really saying is they don’t feel empowered with choice. And to a degree, may not feel that their own needs are important (and therefore not worth the risk of upsetting someone else over).
Someone who has a hard time with boundaries probably feels like they are being ‘nice’ and accommodating by not asserting their own boundaries.
They feel a discomfort around it or some resistance in their bodies at the thought of asserting themselves.
That discomfort could be a lot of things: shame or guilt are the usual front runners.
How you get to this point
At some point in your life you have probably been made to feel bad in some way or denied for asking for your needs to be met. And possibly have been made to feel the same way around standing up for yourself.
Now as an adult, you have a really hard time asserting yourself because all that old emotion starts to come up in your body whenever you even think about it.
That old discomfort shuts you down.
So how do you shift this so that you can reach greater depths of intimacy with others, so you can participate in a relationship as an equal partner and so that you can take care of your own needs?
How to start to shift disempowerment around boundaries
You will have to be willing to dive into that discomfort you feel when you think about setting or enforcing a boundary.
That takes willingness to become a sleuth to your own brain.
Here are some questions you ask yourself to get started:
What is the emotion under the discomfort?
What am I thinking that is contributing to that emotion?
Are those thoughts even true?
How do I need to feel in order to take appropriate action around my boundaries?
What do I need to think in order to feel that way?
Then you do the work of getting yourself into 100% belief of those new thoughts.
Some of the work to be done here is around getting your brain to understand that you have needs, those needs are important, you have a right to ask for them to be met AND that there are people who will meet those needs.
Basically, helping your brain to understand your inherent worth and deeply seating the feeling of fulfillment or nourishment into your body so that you can recognize what that feels like (so you can recognize when that is NOT happening for you and make a better choice).
You will also likely have to do some work around feeling like you have a right to create your own experience. That you have a right to make your own choices and to assert for them in the world.
This is where you get to help your brain (and your inner child) see that you aren’t under your parent’s control any longer. And that you aren’t going to perish by being kicked out of the tribe if someone is upset with you.
Feeling angry? Good!
As just a little note here, if you get angry after examining your thoughts that are causing you discomfort (and why you think that), that is a VERY good thing!
Don’t squash that anger or judge it as ‘wrong’. It isn’t.
Instead, USE IT!
Use it to help you set and enforce some important boundaries!
I’m not saying to use it as a license to be mean. You can use that anger politely.
That anger is your inner little one saying ENOUGH! It’s my turn!
And she is 100% CORRECT.
If you have issues around boundaries, it’s likely there is some empowerment needed in your life around recognizing and reaching out for your needs as well as in feeling completely empowered around choice. These are two of the areas I support my clients in when they work with me. If you would like to get a better idea of what your path ahead might look like to do this work of shifting into empowerment, I want to invite you to a free consultation with me. On the call we will focus on your unique situation and what you can do to feel more empowered, and if appropriate, how I would support you in doing that work.
Use these links to learn more about my program and to book your free call:
Book your call: https://jenyoungquist.com/schedule-appointment/
