First I want to define what I mean by emotionally unavailable to make sure we are on the same page.
When someone is emotionally unavailable, it means they are not willing to fully open up and let someone else into their heart.
It is a state of being that is characterized by the individual being unable to accept love and/or to give love in varying degrees.
They avoid intimacy, avoid commitment, they aren’t available to you (and may actually disappear or be unreachable sometimes), and might not empathize with your feelings.
People like this have trouble with full commitment (or any commitment).
They may only want to keep their relationships casual.
They may commit to dating one person, but they will not get married.
Sometimes these people push you away when things start to get good.
For a more in-depth explanation refer to this article of mine: What does emotionally unavailable really mean?
If you are familiar with this type of person, likely you’ve dated more than one.
It’s a Pattern
Which means you have a pattern.
This was my pattern as well so I’m super familiar with it.
The questions now become why? And what can you do about it?
This is where the courage part comes in.
Likely, you think you just have bad luck or that this type of guy is all that’s left.
That’s what I used to think.
The Pattern Runs Deep
Until I found out it goes much deeper.
It’s energetic. Both yours and theirs. Like a magnet.
You want love but you keep attracting others who won’t give it to you, at least not to the degree that you want.
The more attracted you are to the person, seems the less he’s willing to give you.
And you feel somewhat satiated with it, at least for a while. Then when you want more and they won’t give it to you, you have to make a choice.
Stay or go.
Why do you have this energy though?
Well, this is what seems to be true for everyone: we seek the same dynamic in our romantic relationships as we experienced in childhood.
What you are doing is seeking to (unconsciously) repair the relationship you had with your father.
These guys are creating a familiar feeling within you. When it’s familiar then at least you know what you’re dealing with.
Being in a relationship with someone who is consistent, reliable, and open can feel uncomfortable and maybe even threatening.
It’s why you accept crumbs of love even though you say it’s not what you want.
The courage comes in here because you have to be willing to notice the TRUTH which is that you’ve been accepting crumbs, thus far. And if you truly wanted more than that, you’d stop putting up with the crumbs.
Your energy literally is broadcasting to others that you will accept crumbs of love. So that’s what you get.
The Father Wound
Do not beat yourself up over it. This is a SUPER common pattern amongst women.
And it comes from your father.
We’re not throwing dad under the bus here. You might have had an ok dad. But if you are dating emotionally unavailable men then likely dad was emotionally unavailable too and it had a profound effect on you.
So if you want to change your dating pattern, you will have to be willing to take a look at your relationship with your father – and heal it.
This is called the Father Wound.
Nothing will change for you until you have the courage to look at it.
This is work I’m super familiar with as I had to do it myself.
Want to know more? Then check out this workshop I did on this very topic: ‘Stop Dating Jerks & Emotionally Unavailable Men‘
