Dear one, I’m going to share an uncomfortable truth with you.
I hope you hang around for this, especially if you find yourself a little bit triggered by reading this. (Being triggered is an indication that it is for you in some way)
Here goes…
Your past love relationships, didn’t happen TO you.
You were not a victim.
You were a participant.
It Takes Two…
How you showed up in your relationship dictated how he showed up in that relationship. And vice versa.
Think of a relationship as a living thing, with an energetic of it’s own, that you must feed or it will wither and die.
It must be fed, positively, by both parties in order for it to keep growing and thriving.
One person cannot save it even if they do more than their fair share.
So if your relationships keep withering and dying, it’s time to take a step back and get real honest with yourself.
Asking the question ‘Why?’
Its time to explore WHY this happened. And it could be a bit different for each relationship as we do learn and grow from each.
But it’s important to look at HOW you were showing up in that relationship.
Were you anxious? Clingy? Demanding? Passive? Not holding your boundaries? Allowing yourself to be treated like shit?
The key is to do it without judgment (of self or other) and to do it without assigning blame to anyone. This is really important. Because when you introduce judgment, it clouds the truth.
You Must Take Responsibility For Your Part
Another unpopular opinion here, but it’s BOTH your fault it failed.
He may have been an asshole and did you wrong…but you allowed those behaviors by staying and if you’re really honest with yourself, you did not stand up for what YOU needed until you reached a breaking point.
It’s brutal to hear, I know.
But the quicker you can adopt that way of looking at your relationships and being willing to take responsibility for your part, then the quicker you will be able to course correct for the next one.
Look, gaining clarity on what I wanted and taking aligned action to find it shifted my stagnant energy enough to bring my ideal mate TO ME.
But it didn’t keep me from initially rejecting him. I actually friend-zoned him.
I had to decide to become a different version of myself.
The Shift You MUST Make Within
I had been in the personal growth space enough to know that in order to have something different, I had to DO something different.
And in order to do something different, I had to BE something different.
It’s your IDENTITY that dictates your actions.
That meant I had to become someone who:
- Did not need to prove my worth and work hard for love
- Believed that love could be EASY
- Was willing to take a stand for what she wants NOW
- Was no longer willing to settle for less
- Loved being alone
- Trusted herself enough to trust others
- Set and enforced boundaries
- Was no longer willing to chase anyone
In order to figure this out, I had to take a look at how I was BEing in my past relationships.
And do the opposite.
Just making that decision was enough to shift my identity enough for the metaphorical clouds to part and I could fully see what was in front of me.
That’s when the attraction happened.
And my new way of being became practiced enough to become the new version of me.
This can happen for you too!
P.S. Identity shifts don’t always happen as easily and fast as this one did for me. I think I had been doing a lot of the healing work subconsciously and I just needed this last piece of becoming conscious and CHOOSING something different.
Sometimes we need a little help to connect the dots on how we’ve been showing up and what we need to become in order to have what we want.
That’s what I do. I help women connect the dots and shift out of the old identity and into a new one that can create and hold their dream relationship.
I have a 16 week program where I walk you through this process 1:1. To find out more, follow this link: Dating Alchemy Private Mentorship
