If the fear of heartbreak is keeping you from putting yourself out there in the dating world, I want to offer you a perspective here.
While there isn’t a single relationship in the world that doesn’t come without risk.
There is a way to mitigate that risk so that it doesn’t become so devastatingly painful.
The Pain Always Begins With Fearful Thoughts
Ever notice that when you meet someone and things start going really well, you start to notice some darker thoughts pop up?
Right when you’re really starting to trust and open up your heart, those little doubts start creeping in.
‘Does he really feel the same about me?’
‘Why did he pick me?’
‘What if he changes his mind?’
‘Do I deserve a relationship like this?’
I remember these kinds of thoughts would pop up for me every time I really started to get attached to someone.
Every Human Does This
I want to normalize this. Because it’s how our brains are designed to work.
Our brains are designed to keep us safe. From any and all types of pain.
While this is a normal human response, it can sabotage things for you if you aren’t aware of it.
What happens when you think thoughts like these?
You might get a twinge of panic.
You might feel sad.
You feel like you are not enough.
In other words, these thoughts make you feel fear.
The Very Real Affect This Has On Your Outcome
The effect this has on your energy is to contract it, to lower it.
It gets you focusing on an outcome you DON’T want.
And if you’ve been in my world for any time at all, then you know you get the outcome that you are an energetic match for.
These fear thoughts shift your focus from high vibration love and expansiveness, to low vibration, contraction.
And if you are on autopilot, you might fall into the trap of sabotaging something that could have been wonderful, because we take action based on our thoughts and who we think we are.
So what can you do?
Your First Step
First off, recognize that your brain does this to keep you safe. But what exactly is it keeping you safe from?
Rejection, abandonment, basically.
All of us humans fear this to some degree.
However, depending on your experience growing up, these could be very deeply seated fears in you.
And when you start to get attached to someone, these fears get triggered. Before you know it, you may find yourself acting in ways you don’t normally.
The part though, that I want to call attention to here is:
YOU ARE ONLY AFRAID OF THAT PAIN OF REJECTION BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ARE MAKING IT MEAN ABOUT YOURSELF.
The Real Truth
The only way that we can continue to risk our hearts in finding love is to understand this – that anyone that rejects or abandons you is not doing it because there is something wrong with you or that you are unworthy.
They do it because of THEIR OWN emotional/mental stuff.
None of it has anything to do with you, you were just the trigger for it. Much like they are the trigger for your own rejection fears.
That’s it.
And to read any more into that literally makes the pain of losing this person unbearable and utterly devastating.
Don’t Buy Into The Bullshit
I remember those days of being broken up with. Those were some of the worst times of my life.
But now I realize they were that way because I was believing that I was the reason they left. I was believing that I just wasn’t good enough for that person.
These days I know what utter bullshit that is.
I also know how hard it can be to convince yourself of this. There is a bit of work you’ll need to do on your part.
But once you do it, it will truly set you free. You will no longer worry about being in terrible pain over a break up again.
Yes, break ups will hurt, there’s no getting around that, but they won’t be devastating.
You’ll be able to detach from them much faster because you won’t be stuck in the ‘what ifs’. You won’t keep yourself stuck on wondering if you just missed your ‘chance’ at love.
Here Are a Couple of Steps to Take to Start to See the Truth
Awareness
The first thing you should do is notice all of your fearful thoughts about relationships, whether you are in one right now or not.
Develop some awareness of the fearful thoughts, like catch them as you’re thinking them, then you get a chance to pause.
Compassion
Use that pause to bring in compassion for yourself and for the thoughts themselves. Allow yourself some grace to be human. These thoughts are normal.
Then acknowledge those thoughts. Let them know you see them, maybe even thank them for trying to keep you safe.
Remember, these thoughts originate from a part of you that wants to keep you safe.
Also bring in compassion for the person you are attached to (or could become attached to in the future).
Reminding yourself that this person is human and has gone through things you know nothing about.
Reminding yourself that they see the world (and you) through that lens of their past.
Consciously Create New
THEN you get to make a choice. Do you want to continue to listen to these thoughts? Or do you want to create more helpful thoughts that will put you back into a higher vibration so you can focus on what you really want to create?
Can you remind yourself that every single human comes from the same source and therefore are all equal?
Can you remind yourself that not enough-ness is just an illusion? It was something created by your brain long ago to help you survive your childhood.
You can start to let it go now. It’s keeping you from the life you want to have right now.
Hey! I’m glad you are here! If you’ve read this far that means you are serious about creating the life that you dream of. You’ve probably figured this out by now, but that life doesn’t just happen for you. You have to create it. There is a bit of work involved, but I assure you, it’s completely worth it!
As a coach who specializes in finding your stuck energy and unraveling its underlying causes, I can help you to do this work. It might feel kind of overwhelming or daunting right now. Which is a clue that you may need some level of support with it. If you’d like to understand more about how I can help and what you should focus on right now, follow the link below. All you have to do is fill out the app and book your call.
