Relationships are a lot of work.
If you are single, it takes a lot of energy to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people and deal with any socially awkward situations.
It takes a ton of energy to work out issues that crop up along the way.
Not to mention the internal roller coaster ride that some relationships put you through.
And it takes a ton of energy to heal from heartbreak.
What’s NOT Obvious
But that stuff is just the visible work of relationships; it’s experiential. You can’t NOT see it because it’s smacking you in the face every day.
However, there is a whole invisible set of work that needs doing and it is actually MORE important.
Because when you do the invisible work, the visible work becomes quite a bit easier AND you’ll have more energy to handle the inevitable crap that comes along with dating.
So, what is the invisible work and how do you know you need to do it?
The Assessment
The questions below will help you determine this.
Just answer them honestly and if you can’t answer affirmatively, there’s your invisible work. (If you aren’t sure, then count it as work you need to do)
What’s my capacity for experiencing more visibility? If suddenly lots more people whom I don’t know see me, are interested in me, and want to contact me, will my nervous system experience that as a threat?
Am I a people-pleaser, or do I have the skills to define and hold to my own preferences, stances, boundaries and self-concept when that might cost me another person’s comfort or approval?
Do I know how to ask for what I need from others? Or do I always take the independent girl route and meet my own needs (or worse, ignore my own needs)?
What is my capacity for tolerating and processing emotional discomfort? What about the kind that comes from other people’s actions or negative opinions of me?
Am I able to take a stand for myself and the future I know I want, even when it’s really hard to do so (like when there’s incredible chemistry but the guy is emotionally unavailable or when your partner says ‘no’ to something you really want)?
How well do I recognize red flags AND take action once I do?
How well do I handle rejection without taking it personally and going into a downward thought spiral?
Do I have the skill of being my authentic self when in a relationship without outsourcing responsibility for my feelings to them and their response? In other words, can I be myself AND be ok if others don’t like it when I do?
How much capacity do I currently have for changing my habituated patterns of thinking and feeling?
Do I know how to take responsibility without blame?
Do I know how to learn from the past without shame?
Do I know how to affirm, validate and celebrate myself, my self-worth and my sense of belonging?
Do I really know my own values? Like well enough to rattle off the top 10 and know which ones you need your partner to share with you?
Do you know how you want to feel when you are in a great relationship? It’s important to get really clear on this, then practice embodying these feelings now so that when you do meet the right person, you’ll recognize him/her from the way you feel.
What If I Don’t Do The Work?
Will you find someone or have an ok relationship if you haven’t mastered the above?
Yes, of course that’s always a possibility.
But how long the relationship lasts and how happy you will be while in it is going to vary tremendously.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were handed a handbook as teenagers on exactly what you need to master and how to do it in order to find a great partner and get your happily ever after?
That sure would have saved me 20 years and a lot of money and heartache!
That is why I am trying to shed light on these things as much as I can!
It’s this invisible work that makes the visible work of dating and relationships work so much faster and with more ease.
And when you’re unwilling to slow down enough to really do this invisible work, you end up paying for it in wasted time, loneliness, anxiety, a broken heart and a lot of unhappiness because you’ll just keep repeating old energetic patterns.
Which breaks my heart when I see it because I know things can be so different for you and that you deserve to have exactly what you want.
If you aren’t happy with the current state of affairs in your life right now, starting on that invisible work is what’s going to turn that around for you.
Hey…I wanted to let you know that I’ve created a container for this ‘invisible’ work. It’s so much harder to go it alone AND it takes WAY longer for you to see results without structure. Honestly, it’s the one thing I would tell my younger self as now looking back, I can see how much sooner I could have been enjoying the life I have now. Learn from my mistakes and get yourself on the path to completing that inner work now. If you are someone who wants to fast-track this work and find your mate ASAP, then I invite you to a FREE call with me. Bring to the call what you checked above and we’ll discuss what that fast-track will look like for you. You’ll come away with at least a high-level plan of where to start and what to focus on.
It’s not a sales call unless you want to know more about how I can help you. Book your spot now using the button below.
