When vulnerability is used as a manipulation tactic and how you can spot it.
In my last post, I talked about this comfort zone that we all have around being vulnerable.
The thing with being vulnerable is, it will always be met with truth.
Truth about the level of vulnerability that that human is willing to go.
Which doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you did anything wrong in sharing.
But there is another level to vulnerability that I want to go into.
And that is trust.
Trust is a Must
How do you know when it is right to open up to someone and be vulnerable?
The answers is: when there has been a fair amount of trust built up between you.
The co-worker that didn’t know what to do with the secret you just shared, probably didn’t feel there was enough trust built up for her to open up to you and treat that with care.
Perhaps you have had someone you didn’t know very well overshare with you? How did that make you feel?
Probably a little like ‘ok, what do I do with this now?’. That is uncomfortable, isn’t it?
Vulnerability as a Manipulation Tactic
And be aware, vulnerability can be used as a manipulative tactic.
Especially in romantic relationships.
See if this sounds familiar: You meet someone, and he is different from others you have met.
Right away, you don’t have to pry information out of him. He is an open book. He shares everything, including some really painful stuff.
And you feel really special that he trusts you enough to open up like that so soon.
You feel like you are getting an inside look.
This is called seductive vulnerability.
It makes you feel special. It makes you feel like there is this huge, cosmic connection between the two of you.
And it makes the relationship feel very passionate.
The problem is, this isn’t true vulnerability.
This person is sharing these things to manipulate your feelings.
It makes you want to just hug him, sympathize with him, take care of him, love him.
You feel special because he ‘doesn’t usually open up’ so quickly.
This serves to make you feel like the relationship is more special than it is.
And that gets you hooked.
Most of the time, people don’t realize they do this and why they do it.
And those on the receiving end of it are left confused when the relationship doesn’t progress or even regresses. We are left with so many questions and we keep trying to rekindle that faux intimacy to no avail.
This is how many emotionally unavailable people get you hooked. They share deeply personal things as a way to build connection fast. Then when they feel you are hooked, they pull back.
And you are left wondering what the hell just happened!
What can you do to protect yourself from this?
Be suspicious of anyone that shares too soon, before there is trust, before there is safety.
True vulnerability comes when you feel safe with that person and you feel seen.
You should absolutely expect authenticity, but you must earn true vulnerability.
Beware – it goes the other way was as well. You need to make the person earn your vulnerability through developing that high level of trust before you lay it all out.
If you are ready to stop wasting your time in unsatisfactory relationships and call in that special someone that is willing to meet you on your level and make you feel seen, heard and cherished, lets talk.
