I wanted to share a client transformation this week.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Normally, I work with women but I have had male clients. We’ll call him Jim.
Jim came to me because he was wound so tight, he couldn’t relax.
Taking Far Too Much Responsibility
He was spending all of his energy on two things:
- Taking care of everyone else
- And proving his worth
It was to the point he couldn’t even relax on vacation because he felt like he had to earn the right to rest every day.
For Jim that looked like working on vacation and spending way too much time trying to save his children and parents. For the most part that looked like throwing money at their problems to make everything alright.
A Recipe for Anxiety
He was exhausted emotionally and financially.
He wasn’t taking care of himself. And his anxiety was through the roof.
He also was still blaming himself for his divorce (that was NOT recent so he’d been carrying this around on top of everything else).
This guy was carrying around everyone else’s problems, being the martyr and the caretaker.
The Pattern Shows Up Everywhere
It was showing up at work too with fellow co-workers who would not do their share because they knew he would pick up their slack and not complain about it.
His own life was suffering and he was suffering alone because ‘he’d rather die than ask anyone for help’, those were his exact words.
He was also suffering because he felt like he couldn’t let others suffer the consequences of their own actions.
Perfect Storm of Energy for Narcissists
No surprise here that when he ventured back out into the dating pool, his first relationship was with a narcissist.
She latched on right away. He was blown away by the love-bombing as he wasn’t used to that kind of attention and his love-starved soul ate it up.
So when she dropped the act and exposed her true self, it became like his marriage – just another person who wanted to take from him and not give anything in return.
When he talked with me, he honestly didn’t think there was any hope for him.
Of course I knew that was bullshit and told him so. If he wants change in his life, it’s absolutely possible.
Change is Possible – Always
I pointed out his egregious imbalances.
He cared too much about others and not enough about himself.
He gave and gave but never demanded anything in return (even outright rejecting help and support when it was offered).
Boundaries were needed.
Learning to fill his cup first was needed. No more giving from an empty cup.
Understanding his own value and respecting that was needed. (Because if YOU don’t respect you, NOBODY else will)
These Ways of Being Come From Somewhere
When we dove into where he learned these ways of being, it came back to the energy of the relationships he had with his core family.
It took a lot of being willing to look at that in a new light. And willingness to let those old stories go.
HE got to choose new, supportive and nourishing stories.
His Shift
Once he shifted the relationship with himself, and his parents, all of his other relationships shifted for the better.
He stopped letting people take advantage of him.
He stopped needing to rescue everyone.
And he started to enjoy his life.
That’s when he met someone.
Perhaps for the first time in his life, Jim is in a healthy relationship.
All I did was help him untangle the old, protective, survival stories and guide him toward choosing (and putting into practice) new, supportive, expansive, nourishing stories.
That kind of energy can’t help but be magnetic.
P.S. Is it your turn to be absolutely magnetic to the partner of your dreams? I can help you, just as I did Jim. If you have been having a hard time with dating, I guarantee that you too have a story (or two) that is keeping you from finding healthy love. I want to invite you to take the first step and schedule a Dating Assessment call with me. We’ll use that hour to dive into the energy of your relationships and what your work would look like to shift it to create something healthy.
Simply follow this link to book your call. I can’t wait to meet you!
