If you’ve ever wondered why you are not attracted to nice guys…
Or why can’t the nice guys and the hot guys come in the same package?
Then this is for YOU!
Not Attracted to Nice Guys: My Personal Mantra
This used to be my mantra: ‘Why can’t I find a nice guy that I find really hot???’
Seems I would find a hot guy, but he would turn out to be some shade of emotionally unavailable (or worse, just want a casual thing).
Or I would find a great guy with whom I matched on all levels, except sexually. 🤦🏻♀️
Seems either I just wasn’t all that attracted to him OR there was some level of attraction at first but it seemed to fizzle out quickly.
Therefore, I broke it off.
Who can relate?
Not Attracted to Nice Guys: What Causes This??
What I have found is I had some level of disempowerment around the 7th personal power piece:
🧩I AM FULLY OPEN TO GIVING AND RECEIVING LOVE.
This piece is interesting because if you are disempowered in any of the other 6 power pieces, you will be some level of disempowered around giving and receiving love.
Missing Sense of Safety
To be able to love fully, one must feel safe to do so.
Because giving and receiving love requires you to be vulnerable.
It requires you to open yourself up to possibly being rejected or that love not being returned at the level you expect.
And for a lot of us when we were kids, we got rejected somehow; by parents, relatives, friends or even other adult figures.
Kids internalize stuff.
Kid brains aren’t equipped to handle these things and see the big picture.
Kids don’t know how to handle emotions well, in general.
Therefore they deem love to be bad or uncomfortable in some way.
It becomes something you shouldn’t do because it’s painful.
Then as they about their adult life, secure attachment becomes a problem.
The Split Empowerment Problem
You can also have split empowerment on this piece.
You can be fully empowered to GIVE love but disempowered when it comes to RECEIVING love. (Which is what most of us are)
OR you can be fully empowered to RECEIVE love but not to GIVE love. (Which is what occurs with narcissists.)
You can also have this piece be split sexually.
As in: you are disempowered around giving and receiving sexually FROM SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU.
👉🏻In other words, you may be able to give love to and receive love from someone who loves you in any other way except sexually.
💥This is why some of you may have been unfaithful in the past to a partner who was good to you.
💥This is why the sexual attraction to the good guy didn’t last (or was never there in the first place).
Somewhere along the way your brain got programmed that you aren’t worthy of love or that love and sex can’t be present at high levels together.
Causes of the split
And it could have been as simple as being the first born with a sibling coming in when you were 2 or 3.
The child brain made a huge (incorrect) leap of logic that it must not be worthy of love simply because the new sibling needed more of the parent’s attention.
This programming could also have happened under other circumstances such as:
Not being allowed to enjoy the love of a parent because the other parent was jealous of your relationship (the template becomes ‘Love cannot be enjoyed’)
Parents having negative reactions to a child’s sexuality (the template becomes ‘I must not have my sexuality to be loved’)
Therefore the heart and the sex cannot be present at the same time.
Not Attracted to Good Guys: How to Shift It
Shifting it means you have to allow yourself to be loved fully, even when it’s uncomfortable or doesn’t feel natural.
I too, was disempowered here.
For me, it came down to becoming aware of this pattern and making a decision.
I had to choose something that I hadn’t before.
Vulnerable share here, but I wasn’t super attracted to my husband when I first met him; through no fault of his own! (He’s not unattractive or boring or anything like that).
His only ‘mistake’ was being completely open to love. He wasn’t making me ‘work’ for it.
Deep down, I thought you had to fight for love, that it couldn’t be easy.
I also had trouble being sexual with someone if I didn’t have to fight for it.
Therefore, I had to decide that I wanted something different for myself.
When I decided to allow the relationship and allow myself to be loved and allow it to be easy, then the attraction came.
I hadn’t thought about what love really was, or could be.
Which meant I had to shift the concept my brain had, which ended up shifting my feelings.
Shifting this one takes a lot of awareness and the willingness to be uncomfortable in order to find out what is on the other side of that.
