During the challenge in my group 2 weeks ago, I gave some ideas on how one can start to shift the areas where you don’t 100% feel these reference feelings:
- Embraced,Worthy,
- Nourished,
- Treasured/Safe,
- Agency/choice
- and LOVABLE
In this article, I wanted to give you the same cheat sheet.
This is your guide to healing and shifting toward a more secure attachment pattern.
Step 1: Develop the skill to be able to watch your own thoughts and behavior.
This is where a mindfulness practice is absolutely necessary.
A mindfulness practice will help you to do a few things:
Stay more in the present (which will help you to keep your nervous system balanced) and will help you to just take one step at a time, one day at a time.
Learn how to separate yourself from your thoughts
Gain greater focus, which means catching yourself sooner when you get sucked into a rabbit hole of thoughts
Become aware of the actual thoughts going through your head
Become aware of the bodily sensations you have around certain thoughts and triggers
All of this will serve to help you to understand yourself better AND it will give you a choice point.
A choice point is necessary so that you can halt unwanted behavior and have the opportunity to choose something different.
This is all a MUST for healing old patterns.
You can develop a mindfulness practice by devoting 5 to 20 minutes a day to any kind of practice that you want.
Insight Timer and Mindspace are a couple of great apps that can get you started for free.
Step 2: Balance your nervous system
You must be able to shift into neutral.
When your nervous system runs more anxious or depressed, it is going to be really hard for your brain to focus on healing.
You won’t be able to handle triggers or strong emotions that may come up during the healing process.
To heal old patterning, you can’t keep shutting down or get knocked into some kind of negative spiral.
Physical activity, yoga, and working with a somatic practitioner can help you return your system to neutral.
Step 3: See and understand your whole pattern, down to the thoughts /beliefs that are driving it.
Likely you have some awareness of your patterns, especially if you participated in my challenge.
Perhaps you have taken steps to heal and shift what you already know.
But the behavior didn’t completely shift and you are left frustrated that you have to keep dealing with this.
This is because there are likely parts that you didn’t see.
Likely you didn’t reach the heart of it.
It’s those deepest, darkest, often unconscious beliefs that are the ones that need the focus and care.
It’s those beliefs that need to be brought to your awareness to be examined so that they can be shifted.
Step 4: Understand and work with what is keeping you stuck in these old patterns
Likely, those deep, dark, unconscious beliefs have managed to remain hidden and operational is because there are some things keeping them in operation.
Here are some examples:
A shaming and judgmental inner voice
Resentment and anger you are holding onto, so maybe some forgiveness is in order
A pattern of avoiding emotions
Some benefit you are getting from your old pattern
Parts of yourself that you are disconnected from
An old, disempowering story you have been carrying around
These things serve as anchors to your insecure attachment pattern and will need to be released and shifted as well.
The parts of you that you are disconnected from will need to be reintegrated.
Especially the inner child, and the higher self.
The inner child is the part you will heal and nurture.
The higher self is the part of you that KNOWS you are 100% worthy and has all the information you need to heal.
Tell yourself your own story. If you feel sorry for yourself or sad or angry, then that is a sign you will need to work on shifting it into something more empowering.
The critical inner voice will need to shift into becoming your cheerleader.
Figure out what you are getting from your old pattern. How is it protecting you? What is it doing for you?
Step 5: Believe the new thoughts you want to have around your worthiness, love and relationships (Bring in what is missing)
Only when you totally believe your new thoughts will you be able to change your behavior.
New action comes from new feelings.
If you are trying to take new action and you ‘aren’t feeling it’, that is called will power. And will power is not a long term strategy for change.
You are going to have to give your brain new resources. Help it to see new possibilities.
You will need to add in those reference feelings that you are missing.
To do that, you will need to help your body to generate and fully FEEL those feelings.
Which means helping your inner child to feel those things.
A large part of belief shifting is helping that part of you that was hurt to process what happened and to see the truth.
You also might want to tap into your higher self if you are having trouble generating these feelings that you might not have felt before.
Keep repeating step 5 until you feel a shift.
Those are the 5 steps!
Your Next Steps
I wish I could give you exact instructions in an email or post on HOW to do this work.
That would require me to write a book. Perhaps I will sometime in the future!
If you aren’t sure where to start, then start small. Build that awareness and learn how to witness yourself.
If you spend a lot of time in anxiety or depression, then do begin here.
Steps 1 and 2 can be done simultaneously.
If you have a decent mastery with those steps, then you can begin the journey into your pattern.
And this where it can pay off for you to find someone to support you in this work.
This is what I help people do in my program, The Path to Partnership.
If you would like to talk about receiving support around steps 3 – 5, I want to invite you to a free consultation with me to see how we can work together to help you reach your goals.
To schedule your session, follow the link below. 
