One major reason you keep dating the the toxic or the emotionally unavailable…
Your vulnerability comfort zone is dictating the kinds of partners you pick (and who pick you).
The vulnerability comfort zone is exactly what it sounds like: your comfort level around being vulnerable.
It’s how willing you are to let others into your world and fully see you AND how willing you are to reach back out to others.
It plays a role in how much you are willing to be your authentic self in your relationships.
You are either going to be a very lonely person or be very unhappy with your relationships if you aren’t willing to be very vulnerable at all.
Here is what I will tell you about vulnerability.
It’s like an onion. There are layers to it.
You can’t see the next layer until you fully understand and become comfortable with the layer that is presenting itself to you right now.
There usually are multiple shadows to face on each level as well.
So what does this have to do with dating the broken, the toxic or the emotionally unavailable?
EVERYTHING!
The broken, the toxic or the emotionally unavailable have in common a very narrow vulnerability comfort zone.
All of these types are low on trust, and barely let anyone in. None of them want to be alone but at the same time, none of them are willing to let anyone in.
This isn’t something that the vast majority are even aware of.
Likely, they have no idea why they keep pushing people away when they feel others are ‘too close’.
Of course there are varying degrees of of emotionally unavailable.
Each degree corresponds directly with how expanded their vulnerability comfort zone is.
If you find yourself dating these types frequently, it’s because your own vulnerability comfort zone is a match for theirs.
That’s not to say you are toxic or anything like that. Not at all.
What’ I’m saying is, vulnerability is hard for those of us that are carrying around unhealed or unintegrated trauma, most likely from childhood.
In order to ensure that you do not date these types of people again, you want to expand your vulnerability comfort zone so much that these types no longer appeal to you, nor you to them.
For some of us, this might be a really scary thing to do. Which is why some of us get stuck in this loop of dating the same types over and over.
But doing the work of healing will serve you in all areas of your life.
What I can tell you from years of doing my own work, is if you have some things in place first it will be much easier for you.
Change doesn’t have to be painful, but it might be uncomfortable.
These things will make it easier:
- Having a regulated nervous system. One in which you spend a lot of time in neutral and find it easy to shift back into neutral after you are triggered one way or another.
- A good degree of emotional resilience. Big emotions do not scare you. You don’t have thoughts of suicide when dealing with unpleasant emotions.
- Witness consciousness. You must be able to distinguish YOU from your thoughts. When you have the ability to be a witness to your thoughts and actions and to remain curious and present (instead of getting pulled into the drama of it), then you will be able to ‘see’ things as they really are and make the course corrections necessary.
- A safe container. One that can hold space for you, preferably on all levels (mentally, emotionally, spiritually). You need a safe place to purge and process.
Steps to expanding your vulnerability comfort zone:
- If you don’t have the things I mentioned above that will make it easier for you, this is where you start.
- Once you have these things, you can pick a challenge you have around letting people see you fully. Likely there are several, but they may share the same root. Name this challenge, put words to it. (Example: I don’t feel comfortable letting people see me cry.)
- Write down all the emotions you have around this. (example: discomfort, fear, anxiety)
- Write down all the thoughts that accompany this statement (this is where the witness consciousness comes in). (example: Showing emotion is weakness, I will be judged as incapable, I’m afraid people will pity me.)
- Acknowledge these things. Own it and feel it and bring in love and compassion for yourself. Often our internal critic is so strong that it makes us avoid these things, and not really ‘see’ it and see how it contributes to our current results.
- Engage with it. Examine these thoughts for truth. Figure out what you need to do to shift it. Do you need permission from someone? Do you need to nurture that wounded part of you? Perhaps you just need to be seen and heard? Maybe you need to have a conversation with that part of you or some forgiveness is needed?
- And finally integrate it into your being. When you have integrated, you are able to take new action. You’ll need to align yourself with a new way of being, your next level self. Then you get to practice it. The practice is what does the actual expanding of your vulnerability comfort zone. (Example: I want to be able to share emotionally with those I love and trust. So I’m going to remain very present as I deliberately share small things with those people. Gradually sharing more and more.)
I have created a container for women who are ready to do this work. It’s called The Path to Partnership.
In this 6-month 1:1 coaching container, we do exactly what I outlined above.
The investment is $3k.
You are worth it.
If you want to know more about this program and how I can help you, just send me a DM.
