If you find that you keep getting ghosted by your dates, I’m about to offer you some insight on why that may be happening for you and what you can do about it.
But first let’s look at what ghosting really is.
Ghosting is saying ‘no, I’m not interested’ without actually saying anything at all.
This is so the ghoster doesn’t have to witness (and ultimately feel uncomfortable about) your reaction.
So they avoid the whole thing altogether and hope you get the message.
It’s the sign of an emotionally immature AND/OR an emotionally avoidant person.
Neither of which is the type of person you want a relationship with so these people are actually doing you a HUGE favor and revealing themselves now.
Then the question becomes why do you seem to keep finding these people?
There are two likely reasons:
Either you are secure when in relationship but are fishing in the wrong pond OR you have an anxious attachment style.
How do you know your attachment style?
There are lots of resources out there on relationship attachment style. If you aren’t sure what that means or which one you have, a simple Google search will bring you a wealth of information. This article would become a book if I include that here.
For the purposes of this article, you can define relationship attachment style as your predominant way of being and feeling when in a romantic relationship.
If you aren’t sure you have an anxious attachment style, here are some signs:
- Feel like you put way more energy into the relationship than your partner does (physically, mentally, and emotionally)
- You have an underlying fear of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal which makes you feel like you have to always be ‘on guard’
- If you’ve ever thought that you have ‘trust issues’
- You have rules for how you like to receive love – for example neediness with touch (and if you don’t get it, you don’t feel loved)
- Have a lower self-esteem
- Always need to know where you stand in the relationship (and whether or not your partner feels the same way about you)
You don’t need to check all those boxes to be considered anxious in relationship. Just a couple will do.
Why You Keep Getting Ghosted: Reason #1
The first reason why you keep getting ghosted is that you are secure in your attachment style but you are fishing in the wrong pond.
What I mean by this is you are in a huge container where the barriers to entry are low.
Basically, you are fishing in the ocean. 🌊
Every damn kind of fish and predator is in there. 🦈
There are no barriers to entry and everyone is free to roam around and do as they please.
Sure, there are tons of prize bluefin tuna, but there are millions more ordinary cod.
👉🏻You simply are catching way more ordinary cod than you are tuna.
Online dating, especially apps, are the ocean. Every damn body is on them!
And who knows what the hell they really want?
Your only real strategy when ocean fishing is sheer numbers.
👋🏻And you must be willing to release the cod, quickly.
If you choose to date online, and you are tired of catch and release, perhaps it’s time to pony up for a better service that does some of the screening for you?
Either way, the key is to stop taking it personally when you get ghosted.
It doesn’t mean anything about you.👏🏻
Shift your perspective and see it as a good thing. These people are self-selecting.
LET THEM!
Why You Keep Getting Ghosted: Reason #2 – You have an anxious attachment style
The reason why people with an anxious attachment style get ghosted frequently is because the very thing they fear (abandonment, rejection, betrayal) is brought on through their more smothering behaviors.
Which occurs due to their lack of trust.
Anxiously attached people, at the heart of it, don’t trust others to do right by them, because that has been their actual experience.
It becomes a self-perpetuation cycle when the actions that they take in the relationship in order to feel safe, are the very things that usually end up driving others away.
These actions can look like:
- Frequent jealousy
- Over communication (frequent texts/calls/check-ins)
- Demanding to know where their partner is every second of every day (and who they are with)
- Seeking constant reassurance (that your partner finds you attractive, that your partner loves you, that your partner isn’t thinking about leaving)
- Giving to a partner and not accepting in return or using giving as a way to manipulate
- Losing yourself when in relationship and becoming who you think your partner wants
The anxious and avoidant attraction
Anxiously attached people almost always end up with avoidant people, because they need avoidant people to trigger their familiar state. It is how they have received love in the past and anything else feels ‘wrong’ or even toxic.
Same goes for avoidant people. They are frequently attracted to this kind of anxious energy because this is how they have experienced love in the past. It is familiar.
But ultimately for the avoidant person, it becomes TOO familiar and ends up repelling them, at least for a bit.
And the ones that are also emotionally immature pull this ghosting shit instead of risking an uncomfortable conversation.
So what are you supposed to do if you have an anxious attachment style?
Unfortunately, there aren’t any ‘hacks’ I can offer you.
If you want to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners, you will have to shift your anxious attachment style to one that is more secure.
👉🏻The way you do that is to learn how to relax, soothe yourself and give space to others.
👉🏻You will also need to learn how to trust on all levels: yourself, others and the Universe.
That is exactly how I healed my anxious attachment style.
👉🏻I learned how to manage my mind around my triggers.
✅Doing this helped me to stop over communicating and stop acting on my jealousy.
✅And my self-esteem improved drastically because I stopped making every little thing mean that I was not worthy.
✅As my self-esteem improved, I learned how to make the hard, self-honoring choices that I needed to in order to live authentically.
👉🏻I learned how to soothe myself so I didn’t need constant reassurance.
✅And my self-esteem improved drastically because I stopped making every little thing mean that I was not worthy. And through soothing myself, I learned that I had my own back and could get through anything.
👉🏻Once you learn you have your own back, abandonment and betrayal fears shrink.
✅Which leaves room for nourishment, joy, peace and intimacy.
This is the work I do with my clients.
