The term emotionally unavailable gets tossed around a lot in the dating world, and for good reason.
It is rampant.
But what does emotionally unavailable mean?
Keep reading as I’m going to break it down for you.
What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Unavailable?
The simplest way you can think about what it means to be emotionally unavailable is it is a state of being that results from having an attachment style that is anything other than secure.
It is a state of being that is characterized by the individual being unable to accept love and/or to give love in various degrees.
Emotionally Unavailable Signs
That can look like many things.
Including:
- Ghosting or pulling away when the other person ‘gets too close emotionally’
- Cycles of come closer/go away in the relationship (including frequent breakups/reunions)
- Resistance to ‘putting labels’ on your relationship and committing
- Giving WAY more to your partner than you receive AND/OR not being able to accept when you are given to
- Not being attracted to ‘nice guys/girls’
- Resistance to taking the relationship to the next level (stagnation)
- Poor communication from your partner or very little reciprocal communication (ignores texts/calls or is slow to respond, vague responses, confusing responses, outright lies, white lies, little to no checking in)
- Manipulation in any form
- Resistance to talking about feelings or the relationship
- A partner that does not truly see you OR hear you and doesn’t care to really try
- A complete disregard for your needs/wants
- Entitlement – there are a lot of rules to the relationship or your partner tells you ‘you are lucky to be with me’ (as if you couldn’t do better or you got super lucky that s/he wanted to be with you at all)
- Fearing abandonment or betrayal
- Infidelity
- Acting like a giant ‘man baby’, ‘princess’, victim or martyr
- Narcissism
- Bait and switch – you think the person was seriously interested in dating you but turns out just wanted a casual thing
Attachment Style Determines Emotional Unavailability
We all know that those with a more avoidant attachment style are prone to a lot of the things I just mentioned.
However, those with an anxious style are ALSO emotionally unavailable.
Does this surprise you?
It shouldn’t if you really think about it.
Having an anxious attachment style means that a person is insecure while in relationship. Their underlying fear is abandonment or betrayal.
So they spend their whole time while in relationship, trying to control for this. Meanwhile, not the letting other person in fully because they are expecting to eventually be abandoned or betrayed. (Which ultimately causes their fears to come true which only serves to confirm this belief)
Some of these behaviors include:
- Over communication (must know their partner’s whereabouts at all times)
- Giving and giving to their partner in an attempt to manipulate them in some way
- Losing themselves in the relationship (unable to maintain their own individuality)
- Neediness with touch (both sexual and non)
- Always having one foot out the door, ready to run before you get hurt
None of these behaviors actually invites in deep intimacy.
- Trust is missing when over communication happens.
- Manipulation is also a form of missing trust (don’t trust your partner to do right by you or meet your needs on their own)
- Losing yourself in a relationship means you are afraid to let others see the real you which is the complete opposite of intimacy.
- Neediness with touch is a rule for you. Having rules for love means you have trouble accepting love as it comes and in other forms (which is at the heart of emotional unavailability)
- Always having one foot out the door means you are never all-in
What Causes Emotional Unavailability?
For most people, their template for relationship was set from ages 0 – 4.
During this time, the brain is still developing and the child is simply not capable of making logical sense from parental behavior.
At this time, the child can only understand how they are affected. Then therefore makes certain key decisions about what gets them love and what doesn’t. About what is wrong behavior and feelings and what is right.
Trauma occurring anytime after the age of four can also play a role in shifting a person from secure attachment to emotional unavailability as a way of protecting the vulnerable parts.
Painful adult relationship experiences can also knock someone from secure attachment.
Gravitating Toward The Familiar
Those that are anxiously attached nearly always end up with someone who is avoidant.
Because they are re-creating the conditions and familiar emotional states they had as children.
So even if they met a securely attached person who would give to them freely and wanted a deep relationship, it would feel just as toxic and uncomfortable to the anxiously attached person as it would to a person with an avoidant style.
Therefore, someone who exhibits an anxious attachment style, while on the surface looks like they are all about love and intimacy, is actually just as emotionally unavailable as someone with an avoidant attachment style.
We often seek the same dynamic in romantic relationships that we had with our parents.
For women, the relationship with their father is particularly important as dad sets the template for daughters on how they can expect to be treated by men.
If the template is faulty by dad being unavailable, the daughter will come to expect this as normal from others, even if she cognitively knows (and wants) better. Unfortunately, this is subconsciously programmed.
This father wound is so deep that the daughter will subconsciously try to repair this early father wound by seeking out relationships with those that create similar familiar feelings for her. It’s the devil she knows.
Because unfortunately, being in a relationship with anyone who is consistent, reliable and supportive can feel uncomfortable or threatening. Which is why some women find themselves unable to be attracted to ‘good guys’.
Can Someone Who Is Emotionally Unavailable Change?
If they want to change, absolutely!
In order to change, one must want different results. They must WANT MORE INTIMACY and LOVE in their life.
And that is the rub.
Emotionally unavailable people must want the very thing they are afraid of.
If they don’t, there will be zero reason for them to do the deep inner work that is necessary.
There must be a willingness to explore current beliefs that are contributing to their pattern.
There must also be a willingness to get out of their current emotional comfort zone.
The pattern of emotional unavailability can be healed.
Most people do it very slowly on their own through a series of relationship trial and error. (this was me)
So if you have noticed you end up with the same kind of guy, just with a different face, it means you’re trying to heal something.
How to shift it faster:
With some help, this pattern can be shifted much faster and with a whole lot less heartache and frustration.
It takes some willingness to do the deep inner work necessary.
These are the essential steps:
- Becoming aware of your pattern and why you have it. Exploring the thoughts and feelings that are creating your current results
- Inner child work to heal and nurture the part of you that was hurt. This means earning to bring all parts of you online in order to work through your resistance and lower your protections
- Releasing your old pattern, stories, emotions to make make room for the new
- Reconnecting with your authentic self. Choosing the new experience you want to have. Becoming acutely aware of your wants and needs so that you can architect the life you have always wanted
- Stepping out of your comfort zone to choose and embody those the new experiences
- Put your new way of being into practice in your relationships
How To Know If You Are Emotionally Unavailable
Do you have an established pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people?
If YES, that indicates that you are too, to some degree.
This is because when someone that has an avoidant or an anxious attachment pattern meets someone that has a secure attachment pattern, there won’t be much attraction.
And that means the one with the secure attachment will be friend-zoned, every time.
OR the relationship could even feel downright toxic to the non-securely attached person.
In other words, the relationship never gets off the ground.
Your relationship experience will match whatever you feel you have a right to experience.
Therefore, the only way to buck your pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people, is to raise your own level of availability and work toward a more secure attachment pattern.
If you would like to know more about how you can raise your own level of availability, I have a couple of options for you.
On July 16th @3PM EST I will be offering a FREE Workshop: Get Out of Your Dating Rut and Find Your Soulmate by Healing Your Father Wound
You can find the details here: https://masterclass.jenyoungquist.com/healingfatherwound
Or you can check out my Dating Alchemy program.
It’s a 12 month, group OR 1:1 coaching program where we go deep to explore and shift all that is keeping you from secure attachment and finding the partner of your dreams.
